Job posting
Wanted: New Beard Wife
Qualifications: Pretty. Youngish. “Actress.” Preferably taller. Able to be a step-mom to 3 children from 2 previous marriages. Ready and willing to give gushing, over-the-top interviews proclaiming your (false) love. Able to stand pretty, smirk awkwardly, and make people believe you are married to a heterosexual. The heterosexualist of all. Otherwise, this is considered a non-speaking gig.
Preferred: From the planet Xenu. If not, those classified as “brain-washable” will be considered.
Terms of Contract: A starting bonus of 15 million dollars. Five million every year thereafter. Negotiable time frame, five year minimum. Kiss your sex life goodbye. Pending your performance as the prettiest, straightest, quietest wife to the most heterosexual bad-ass former heartthrob closeted homosexual nutcase, a generous severance package will be considered.
All inquiries can be sent to: nottomcruise@gmail.com
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Tom Cruise Kate Holmes Job Posting Maybe I will Apply
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